BAH. I hate how my computer likes to randomly refresh pages and then lose all my work for me. So retarded. I wrote this amazingly profound xanga post and before I could post it my computer decided to refresh the page and "Viola!!!" my work has disappeared. The weird thing is that I can't even remember what my profoundness was. ha ha. Oh well. I guess it wasn't very important. In which case my computer probably already knew that and was just like "I can't let her post that...it's so retarded!!!" And then it refreshes my screen. ha ha. So onto bigger and not so better news...

          So part of being a good person is being honest. Being honest with yourself, your friends, your teachers, your family. Being honest with everybody. Integrity. That's the word I'm looking for. Well let me be honest with you. At this very moment in time I feel that integrity STINKS!!! Stinks because if I didn't have integrity and cheated I wouldn't be so worried about failing stupid patho. Which in turn would bring me to not worrying about failing semester 3. DAMN IT!!! If I didn't have such a kick ass preceptor and such a kick ass time with my classmates I wouldn't be so damn mad. But I do have a kick ass preceptor and I am surrounded by kick ass people all the time at school so gosh darn it...I AM MAD!!! Yes yes...integrity is good and blah blah blah. If I had cheated on the quizzes like everybody else it would all be okay. Atleast I think it would have been. Then again somebody who cheated off another person on one of our exams ended up with the exact same mark as the dude she cheated off of (no it wasn't me I swear). So you're probably thinking "DUH!!! That's what happens when you cheat!!" Well she said she didn't take all her answers off of him yet they still ended up with the exact same failing grade. So I guess integrity in that sense is good. But whatever. I'm still pissed off. That final was ridiculous. I'd like to see my other profs write that exam and pass. Actually forget that. I'd like to see the friggin med students write that exam. Leave it to Vlad to base 75% of the exam on the 200 slide lecture he had. Out of all 20 some odd lectures he had to choose the LONGEST ONE!!! and test us on that. Bah how I hate not studying everything.

          The worst part was that I couldn't even go drown my sorrows in alcohol with the rest of my class cuz I have another exam to write. In T-minus 3 hours I have my last exam of the 5 from hell. Am I ready for it? Not at all. Should I be studying right now? Yes I should. But somehow after 4 days of hardcore exams and 3 weeks of hardcore lack of sleep...I don't feel like studying anymore. The kicker of it is that I haven't even looked at the stuff I missed from skipping classes. Maybe I should get on that....My brain is FRIED!!! Fried like KFC's chicken baby!!! Oh and to kick start my weekend after exams I get to go into 46 station to tell my preceptor that this is probably the last weekend I'll be with him cuz I'm about to get kicked out of my year for failing the stupid patho course. I won't even be able to rideout again until next semester. See I'd like to say I trust that God is in control and He knows what He's doing...actually scratch that. I KNOW all that about God yet at the same time I can't see how this is going to help me. How destroying all that I've worked for is going to help me in the end. I KNOW this is where I'm supposed to be (well not in this position of failing but in this line of work) and I've been told that I'm great at what I do. Yet here I am now. Hanging by a thread. Not a single damn thing I worked my ass off studying was on the exam. How is that right? Stupid Vlad and stupid patho. I hate patho. I HATE IT!!! All I want is a 60%. Maybe that's why God gave me the job at CMR. He gave it to me because he knew that I wouldn't pass semester 3 and that I would need something to fall back on. I'm not very convinced this is what's best for me. I don't think I ever will be. This is the year to get hired man. Peel's going strong at 100 people. Toronto's getting a new budget approved to hire more medics. York is the same. Durham is always looking for people. Frig man. This was my year. THIS was the year it was all gunna get going for me. I finally found my purpose and it's all being taken away from me.

          I talked to other people who took the same exam and got raped by it. Atleast there's a good chance there'll be a very strong bell-curve. Unfortunately that might not be enough for moi. Chris says that I should just wait and stop thinking about it. But when I'm going out on the road where I'm supposed to remain...it's kinda hard to not think about how it all could be gone in the next few weeks. How fast things change man. I don't really want to die. I think that's a little extreme. But I definitely don't want to be pushed back a year. I don't want to have to repeat patho. I was so happy that patho was finally over cuz I hate it. Yet it could come again to bite me in the ass...again...I guess...on the bright side...I won't be yelled at anymore for not having enough time to spend with people cuz I'll have all the time in the world!!! Bah...I hate this feeling. Feeling of impending failure man. Bite me patho!!!

          Hmm...practicals monday, MDT tuesday, PHC wednesday, patho thursday, mammal phys friday, rideout friday night, sleep. That is how the plan goes this week. It's definitely not going to be a boring week. Tiring comes to mind though. The shitty part is that I'm always tired because night after night I'm getting shitty sleep after shitty sleep. Like last night for instance. I woke up a good 4 or 5 times between midnight and 6:30am. It is NOT fun to wake up voluntarily...look at the clock...and discover the time to be 6:30 in the friggin morning. So retarded. I don't understand why I can't sleep 10 hours away like normal people my age. My body VOLUNTARILY wakes me up after like 7 hours of sleep. So shitty...Oh well. On to better things.

          CMR interview was Friday morning. Hoang is one of my references (though I doubt I told him). I don't even think he'll be mad. Atleast not about that. He's more likely to be mad about me hardly being around the past little while. But it's really not my fault. I have rideouts and such Saturday nights and sometimes Sunday during the day. The really stupid thing is that paramedics aren't an "essential service" like fire or police or even the friggin TTC for goodness sakes. Yet we still have to work 365 days a year. JUST LIKE THEM!!! Bah. Whatever. Back to CMR...

          So interview was Friday morning. Saw Grace and Rick there which was good because that way I had somebody to ask when I didn't know how to fill in some of their weird forms. Like "are you bondable?" What the hell is "bondable"? and how the crap should I know?!??! ha ha. But either way it was tons of fun. We had this hour and a half of orientation time where Gareth talked about CMR and the history and we went through the papers and such. Evidently we have some Humber girls who already work for Ambutrans but have been converted. ha ha. Anyways lift test came and went. Grace and I went first and Gareth chose this "average-sized" guy to be our pt for the stairchair. Dude was 10lbs heavier than I am. Ridiculously easy. ha ha. Humber kids did pretty awesome too. Impressive considering how much crap I've heard about them. ha ha. Oh well. Goes to show that you should judge a person based on the name of their school. ha ha. So one-on-one interviews came next. I was second up for who knows what reason. Gareth took me into the crew room at the CMR headquarters in scarborough and we sat down. He looked over my resume and he was like "mmhmm...mmhmm...mmhmm". Then he goes "so...everything looks great...I have no questions for you...do you have any questions for me?" ha ha. Priceless. Best interview I've ever had. So of course I had to ask "So does this mean I have the job?". Gareth: "yeah your odds are pretty good. But I can't say 'officially' *hint hint*". ha ha. Praise God. But if I don't get the job now I will definitely be pissed off. Anyways we spent the next like 20 minutes just chatting about PCPs and about how it was like as a Level 3 in Britain. We came back and Grace was like "damn. You had way too much fun in that interview!!" ha ha. So jokes.

          So now I'm just waiting till Monday rolls around so I can get that call that says "congratulations you are now employed by CMR". ha ha. Then after my 3 months probation I can FINALLY (thank God) quit the bookstore. Don't get me wrong. It's easy money. But it's so boring and I'm pretty done there. I came back after like 2 weeks of being away and I found out Alina's leaving, Lindsay's taken her spot, Adam has a new title, and I am officially in charge of the hole. All by my lonesome!!! January rush is gunna be interesting. But on the plus side atleast I don't have to worry about huge refund lineups because I shall be doing weborders and supposedly everybody is getting trained on refunds. ha ha. Okay so I'm dreaming but who knows. Miracles can happen!!!

          Oh and going backwards now.  Thursday night was EMRG gala.  My original excuse was that I had to rideout but then my preceptor bailed on me and decided to go hunting so I had no more excuse.  The funny part was Chris was going to my station on nights this week and we thought we would see each other.  Little known to us that his preceptor was replacing my preceptor so we never would have seen each other.  ha ha.  THAT woulda been an interesting shift for sure!!!  But yeah EMRG gala was better than I had expected.  It's not so much that I didn't want to hang out with these people cuz I really do love them all.  But I really didn't feel like dressing up and the dress I have is a summer one which is fine cuz we were indoors but my beautiful shoes that match are sandals and well it's like the middle of friggin winter so yeah....ha ha.  So I did what any other normal person who didn't wanna dress up did.  I wore what I wear to church on Sundays when I'm on the worship team.  ha ha.  Requires not much thinking and no planning so really I didn't have to do anything but get dressed which was GREAT!!!!  No fussing around like the other girls.  SUCKERS!!!  ha ha.  Oh and of course my date for the night was the one and only Craig Beers.  The most amazing person in the world.  Total old school gentleman.  Fun night over all.  I'm glad he dragged me out!!!

          So that is my life since whenever I last xanga-ed in a nutshell. Rideouts have just been getting better and better and aside from patho my grades are sickeningly amazing. (for once in my university career) 5 more days of hell and I'll be done with 3rd semester. Then onto bigger and better stressors like getting a job, getting my F-class, passing centralized, getting hired by Toronto who's hiring like 5 new recruits (AHHH!!!!) and of course 4th semester!!! It's amazing how 2 little hours can determine the rest of your life. hmm...Maybe John should've taken me hunting. Then he coulda shot me and I wouldn't have to worry about exams for another little while....ha ha. Okay just kidding. I would never want to be the target for hunters. NEVER!!!

          Wow. Last night was amazing!! A little slow...but very amazing!!! A little nauseating...but very fun!!! ha ha. I remember sitting in the back on the way to somewhere yesterday and I was looking out the back trying not to be sick and all I could think of was "God. This is what I want to do. THIS is exactly what my life is going to be. This is so incredibly amazing!!!" ha ha. But seriously. Last night was so crazy. Really slow. But awesome all the same. Here's what happened:

          So I got to the station like 30 minutes early and I walked in and all I saw were smokers. Seriously like this whole friggin station smokes (except for my preceptor. yeah preceptor!!!). ha ha. So of course that scared me out of my mind. If only I wasn't so tired...then I'd probably be even more freaked out but meh. So anyways I walk in and the crew gets a call. So here I am, all alone in this station and I have no idea what to do. So I take out patho and start studying. Then 5 minutes later my preceptor shows up and he ends up being a really cool guy. Very easy going and easy to get along with. And of course his temporary partner (while his is out on vacation) is really cool too. ha ha. They're both like giant children. And by giant I mean ginormously tall. Jaime is ridiculously tall. ha ha. Everytime we get into an elevator to grab a pt (because everybody around the station lives in apartments) he's always standing behind me and he's like over a head taller than me. SO weird!! ha ha. Anyways I meet them both and I end up doing NO studying for the rest of the night. (I did however accomplish to get them hooked on the show "Saved". ha ha).

          Anyways our first call was for a lady who had fallen and was unresponsive. ha ha. Let me tell you. That was THE FUNNIEST first call. ha ha. When we got there she was drunk and rambled about how she hated medics and didn't want to sit on the back of the ambulance. In 2 minutes she was sitting on the back of our ambulance and telling us how she loved us. ha ha. It was HILARIOUS!! Even Jaime was laughing. ha ha. Anyways the next few calls were chest pains. The funniest thing is that the second last call we did was at like midnight and it was all the way at kennedy and eglinton. (like 10 minutes lights and sirens away from my station but like 2 minutes lights and sirens from cathryn's station). By the time we got back from our calls the truck cathryn was riding out on was just leaving MY station. What the crap?!?!?! I was by her station and she was by my station and we were both doing calls. That doesn't make any sense to me but whatever. I guess that's why I'm not dispatch. ha ha. Anyways the love letter cathryn wrote me (which is how I knew it was her at my station) I found this morning at like 7 am. ha ha. So long after she wrote it. That was too funny!!!

          Anyways. I am now completely exhausted. At work. Going to class soon. Then off to Oakville. Then back down for volleyball. And of course off to my shift later tonight. I'm either going to throw up tonight from car sickness, fall asleep at a call (or down the stairs), or do both. ha ha. Knowing me it'll probably be both. But Gravol is my friend. Or so I hope cuz that's what I"m going to take before going out. ha ha. But those are my short stories from last night. John (my preceptor) is really nice and his usual partner is Dominic Wong (who is CHINESE) ha ha. So awesome. Finally get to meet a chinese medic. So sweet!! I'll miss Jamie though. He's a really nice guy and fun to hang around with for 12 hours. ha ha.

          It's been two long months since school started. Service orientations were done 3 weeks ago. Lift tests were passed 3 weeks ago. It is now 3 weeks later and Toronto EMS still has yet to provide their students with preceptors. WHY?!?!?! I don't know. Maybe cuz they're busy. Maybe cuz they have a worker's strike. ha ha. Maybe just cuz Walter likes to bother Chris. Who knows. Bottom line is that Durham students have close to 100 hours (over 100 by Monday) and Toronto students still won't even know who their preceptors are. How is that fair? It isn't. The worst part is that there is nothing I can but sit here and wait. Everything is getting messed up by it. EMRG shifts are uncertain because I don't have my rideout schedule. Work shifts are uncertain because I don't have my rideout schedule. It's like I would like to plan ahead like most people I know but unfortunately I can plan all I want but it doesn't mean I will get to do what I want. I could plan something for next week but by next week things could have changed. Uncertainty is not one of my favorite things. ha ha. JUST in case you didn't get that from my last few posts. I guess it helps that I'm not the only one in this position. Oh well. Enough lamenting about things that are not of my control.

          Midterms are done and over with. Well Midterms Round 1 is anyways. Still have a second round of midterms PLUS lab midterms are coming up. It kind of sucks cuz it seems like we have so much time till then but really we don't. I would like to practice but I'm always too tired. After midterms I realized that I have another chance to redeem myself. Which I knew when I made my plans which is why I had my midterm plans. I killed 3 and bombed 1. What can I say...it was the Tuesday after the Thanksgiving weekend. 2 exams that day. I had to bomb one. I'm still not sure whether it was a good idea but at the time it seemed like a good plan. All I know is that I killed the second exam that day and got my butt handed to me on a gold platter for the first one. Yes it sucks but atleast I was expecting it. ha ha. I even did better than I thought on the morning exam. ha ha. Not to say I'm happy with my mark but I sure am proud of it. I mean considering there was no studying done for it. ha ha. And I hardly paid attention in class cuz well it was kinda sucky. Still...redemption will and must be achieved during Midterms Round 2. ha ha.

          So many things have been going on in my life. Even though midterms are over I feel as if I have gotten even less sleep then when midterms were actually here. Wednesday night was York Orientation night. Scored a free uniform that is actually superbly comfortable. Also found out on Wednesday that I do a damn good job in scenarios. The only small factor is that I missed the most important thing. ha ha. Crap!! So close!! Anyways not getting much sleep this week. MSN is on but only at work. School is my home. Home is for sleep. Home is where I take a few hours of my day to shower and sleep. Eating is present but minimal. Stress isn't quite here but at the same time it is. I don't feel the pressure but I know that things must get done. I guess that's a good side to not having a preceptor yet. Atleast I have the time to catch up on work. Slacking must be a thing of the past and not of the present or the future. Jobs are scarce and hard to get. Starting salaries are amazing if I can get one. It's all up to God.

          Actually when I think about it there's nothing in my life to complain about. TEMS co-ordinator told us we wouldn't be riding out till the last week of October (technically that's still possible). Midterm results were my own fault. Studying is a reality that must be faced. Sunday school tests are looking better. Relationships are wanted but not needed. Volleyball is in my life once again. ACF is in my life once again. University fellowship at church is here once again. Christmas might be spend snowboarding.  Urbana is coming soon.  My life is actually pretty amazing. It's crazy how little I actually appreciated my life until this point. I never realized how blessed I truly am. Praise God!!!

          Okay. So God has given me an answer to my "What the crap am I going to do about this?" question and it came in a really odd and profound and convicting way. The funny thing is that on days that I see him I don't feel anxious. I actually feel really calm and I don't really think about how I like him. But days that I don't see him it's kinda like I miss him so I feel anxious. Does that make sense? I dunno. But it doesn't matter anymore because yesterday was my first official day of not seeing him and not feeling anxious about the whole situation. ha ha. Okay so this is what happened:

          I was studying with him this week and we were talking about my exams and how two exams on the same day the very day after Thanksgiving weekend sucks. ha ha. We were totally joking around and just all in all having a good time. The best part was there was no stress about my feelings or anything like that. Later on I was walking to my locker to put things away and I was just thinking to myself about all the random things that fly through my head on any given day. And somewhere amidst the craziness of my thoughts God's voice came through clear and strong. "Whatever will be will be. Trust me to show you the right time and person!!!" CRAZINESS!!! ha ha. so that was it. The end of my little anxiousness and craziness and "inner turmoil" as I coined it in my last post.

          Thank you for all those who prayed for me and put up with me in the last couple weeks. God's voice has never been more clear on this and other such related topics. ha ha. I appreciate all the advice. Especially Richard's questions. (Yes I really did think about them....no lie!!!)

          Okay so onto happier news. I found out that I am a very large trouble maker. ha ha. First off yesterday Celina did her remediation for lift test and she passed it with flying colors. I on the other hand was told (jokingly I presume) that I had to remediate my own lift test that I had already past. (pshh. whatever...no more lifting till I get my preceptor) Then I was also told I was a horrible person cuz I told her to stop stress crying over it cuz she was going to do fine. ha ha. And I was right she did amazing. Then back at UT we were walking around debating what kind of crappy UTSC food we would force ourselves to buy and eat when I saw Stevie. But since we were just talking about Jeffy in the EMRG room I went "Hey JEFFY!!!" (crap) The look on his face was horrible. STEVIE I'M SO SORRY!!!! ha ha. I totally didn't mean to do that. But they are brothers so I guess it's okay. ha ha. No okay it's not okay. I've known them for so long and I have never ever done that and I hope I never do that again. ha ha.

          So then walking to Bluff's for Caesar salad we see Humphrey (who still owes me money) and Steve (who better come find me today cuz I even took the time to schedule him in. ha ha) and I finally met Mark (who I've seen all these years but never knew his name). Oh and of course I had to say hi to Rob who was passing by with this girl. ha ha. So I said to him "Hey Rob...How's your other girlfriends??" ha ha. I laughed. He laughed. The girl next to him did not laugh. But instead she proceeded to give me a really dirty look over her shoulder. ha ha. (whoops). This is why you should tell Sam whether or not you have a girlfriend so she doesn't joke like that in front of your real girlfriend who apparently doesn't know how to take a joke. ha ha. Yup. That is all from yesterday. Jason and Will did a good job leading ACF and I'm glad they're teaching what they're teaching. It'll tie right in with my trip to Urbana and my goal there. Thanks guys!! Ciaozies!!!